I'm also feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed and just a little bit sad.
In the beginning of September I received some really bad personal news. This news was life-changing and left me rethinking everything I had ever worked towards. I was devastated, and would just randomly burst into bouts of crying. For the last month I have slowly been coming to terms with it, and it's only now that I'm actually feeling like facing the world again.
In the midst of what felt like world-ending devastation I was able to keep my diet and exercise resolve for about a week. For the first week, I told myself "I will not let this ruin everything in my life. Despite how bad this is I still have control over what I eat and when I go to the gym".
So I watched what I ate, and exercised like crazy. BUT for an entire week I gained 400g (0.9lbs) a day! I was being just as strict with my diet, eating like a saint, but still gaining. I gained 2.5kg (5lbs) in total! So with the added feeling of failure (because I had gained so much weight), I fucking cracked: "If I'm going to gain weight, I may as well do it eating foods I like! What is the point of so severely restricting my diet if it doesn't work? ... Everything is ruined! There is no point to anything"
This extreme frustration and hurt lead to me eating delicious pastries and a whole pizza. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that, the outburst of binge eating lead to me gaining even more weight (another 2kg/ 4 lbs).
I spent September being really upset, really hurt about what had happened, and I just hid away from the world as much as possible (online and off). I lost motivation to do most things and only went to the gym once or twice a week.
I'm back now, and I'm planning on continuing with the blog. Over the last couple of weeks I've had some thoughts about how I might want to change my diet, and some different things I've tried, but I'll tell you more about that tomorrow.
For now I just want to let you all know I'm back ...